When I was 12 years old, I started crying myself to sleep every night. Throughout junior high, my feelings of unhappiness worsened, and I began to have crying spells with no explanation as to why I was upset. I started having repetitive thoughts, thinking about how no one would miss me if I were to die—on my worst days I thought no one would even notice. My mind was in constant battle mode, teetering between society’s view of typical teenage emotions and how I measured in comparison. I was in denial. Surely it was just the hormones kicking in?
But high school wasn’t easy. I continued to struggle with loneliness, and my sophomore year I was diagnosed with chronic migraines—by junior year I was getting headaches every day.
Through all of this, God wasn’t doing what I wanted Him to be doing in my life. So I shoved Him to the back burner, choosing to pay no attention to a God who I thought wasn’t paying any attention to me. I was selfish, and unhappy. I began to deny God’s existence and completely disregard the friendship we had once shared.
I came to Ohio State in a very fragile, hesitant state. My sister was involved with Real Life (a Christian organization) on campus, so I started going—mostly for her. Fall quarter of that year, I became a queen at going through the motions. I attended bible study and Real Life every week, and even started skimming through the bible on occasion. I was searching for something, but I didn’t know what.
Then, a wonderful acquaintance (who I can now call a great friend!) shared with me what it meant for God to be on the throne in my life—what it meant to put complete trust in Him and surrender my life to His good, pleasing, and perfect will. Shortly after this I found myself at Fall Retreat, where I continued to hear even more about God’s grace, understanding, and complete and utterly beautiful love.
A week later, I gave my life to Christ—surrounded by the beautiful scenery of a dormitory bathroom. I yelled at God, telling him I was angry for all the pain He had made me suffer, for all of the years my heart had been filled with grief. But I told Him I trusted Him. That I was giving myself completely over to Him because He died for my brokenness and sin before I was even born. And through His death I am made perfect in God’s eyes.
Over the past year and a half, Jesus has continued to knock my socks off. Through the power of prayer, God has blessed me with the happiness that I never even imagined existed. He has healed broken relationships from my past and filled the void in my heart that I had been burdened with for 7 years.
My life is by no means perfect; I still sin and feel broken and hurt from time to time. But knowing that there was once a man who walked this earth that came specifically for ME and suffered and died specifically for MY sins is the greatest comfort in the world! I am so thankful and proud to call Jesus my Friend, my Healer and Savior, My God.